Lately, I’ve been thinking about how long I’ve been postponing important things in my life — things I knew I needed to do. In a way, I’ve been searching within myself for the reasons behind this habit of delaying. And I guess… maybe it is a little psychological. Yesss — and guess who studies psychology?
Honestly, after some of the essays and academic writing I’ve read recently, I started connecting this behavior more to environmental factors. Before that, I was always hard on myself. I kept telling myself: I’m lazy. I don’t do anything. Procrastination is my fault. I carried a lot of blame and pressure. But later, I realized something — my brain creates countless reasons to postpone things.
And yes, I can almost hear you — or maybe myself — saying while reading this: “But isn’t that still you?” Maybe it is. But when we think about it, our bodies and brains are deeply shaped by hormones, emotions, and survival mechanisms. And our brains usually choose the easier path. I guess mine chose comfort a little too often during this period. But that’s okay. I changed and grew — or maybe I’m still changing and growing.
Recently, I’ve been trying to lose weight. I count calories, I work out, and I try to stay disciplined. But if I’m being honest, I’ve been planning this for almost four years. I’ll lose weight. I should lose weight. Maybe if I were thinner… — I kept repeating these thoughts to myself.
Wait — actually, at the end of 2023, I lost weight really well. Back then, I was going to the gym, and honestly, my food budget was limited. Most of what I bought were things I could cook at home. I was looking for work, renting a room, and I had to budget and plan everything carefully. Looking back now, I can say I was going through one of the hardest periods of my life. But at the time, I didn’t see it that way. I think I was just trying to survive.
And maybe that’s the point. My brain knew I didn’t have the luxury of comfort or endless options back then. It knew there was no easy way out, so it stepped in and said: it’s time to do what needs to be done. And somehow… it did.
There’s something else I’ve been thinking about too — life has become incredibly convenient for us lately. And honestly, what I mean by that is this: our brains now have way too many opportunities to choose the easier option.
Take AI, for example. Yep, I said it. I know we use AI a lot — a lot. There were times I used AI for medical advice, sometimes even for emotional or psychological support. The topics can be completely random and unrelated — relationship advice, personal questions, or things you would never want to tell another person. Sometimes you can share them here. And if I said that doesn’t scare me a little, I’d be lying. Yet there are still subjects I come back to. My brain gets lazy, and on top of that… I have screen addiction too. Yeah, no lies there.
I haven’t really used social media for a long time, but YouTube? Daaang. There is probably not a single rabbit hole I haven’t fallen into. And no, I don’t mean the kind of screen addiction where I endlessly scroll meaningless content — although sometimes I do that too. I watch videos and think: What are these people even doing? Then another thought follows: Man, people are making serious money from this. If I did something like that, maybe it would turn out amazing.
And for a short moment, I get that little hit of happiness — that quick dopamine rush. But then reality comes back. Responsibilities. Making breakfast. Going to work. Life. And quietly, somewhere inside, I start eating myself alive with the thought that maybe I have potential I’m not using.
But I think I figured something out — this really is how the system works. The next step almost feels like social media. Becoming one of them. Making easier money. And let’s not pretend that part is a lie. People make huge amounts of money visiting restaurants, making edits, creating content that — honestly, to me — sometimes feels ridiculous.
And sometimes I just want somebody to come out and say it. Like, “Bro, this food tastes like shit.” Or “Yeah, I took this product as a sponsorship and it turned my face into bulldog shit.” Just say it. Be real for once. Or someone saying, “Okay, cool, that new girl group exists — but are we going a little too heavy on the sexual content?” Or talking about recent rap music and saying, “Bro, why does it feel like everybody is walking around with their dick in their hand these days?” And the scary part is… people got used to it. They got comfortable with it. And honestly, I think that’s one of the shittiest things about this world.
Meanwhile, I’m thinking to myself: I’m standing for thirteen hours in a restaurant, dealing with difficult bosses and exhausting people, chasing my paycheck. Some customers are genuinely sweet — truly wonderful people — but some of them… whew. Different story.
And don’t misunderstand me — this doesn’t mean I hate serving. Actually, if you work somewhere that respects you and values the work, serving can be a genuinely lovable job. Restaurants like that exist. Mine just wasn’t one of them. People tolerated things because the money was decent and the machine kept running. And I tolerated it too. But after two and a half years, I had my breaking point. I quit.
Funny enough, they’re still looking for someone to replace me. Honestly, the position could be filled pretty quickly, but they still insist on old-school methods. I keep thinking: just post the job online already. Right now, one of their relatives is working there. She’s really trying her best — and I like her, she’s fine — but sometimes trying your best still isn’t enough for a system that needs to be handled properly.
Wow… how did the topic even end up here? Maybe I’m still a little angry about that place. Anyway — back to the point.
Lately, I think I’m trying to find my place in this system. Or maybe create one. Or maybe find some meeting point with myself. I believe I will, because I genuinely want to. I know I’m not a perfect person — not even close — but if these are the standards, then maybe I want to understand myself before trying to fit into them.
I’m twenty-three years old. And I’m still discovering. I’m going to value myself more. I’m going to learn, read, and grow. Slowly. I know it feels like a lot sometimes — maybe too much — but I think I can do it.